If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
