I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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