I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
