dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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