I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
