3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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