My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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