Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
