he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
