he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
