You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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