High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
