im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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