"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize