Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
