In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
