I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
