$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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