I will die if light touches me.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
