Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
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I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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