How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
