I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
