we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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