we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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