Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
