I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
