I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
