Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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