I faked an abortion last night.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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