Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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