Is it because I queefed?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
