I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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