Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
