What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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