There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
