ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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