did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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