I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
