I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
