the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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