you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
