Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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