Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties