The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.