I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
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It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
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Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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