There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You are the jesus of drinking
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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