What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs