Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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