when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
