I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
