My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.