Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
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there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
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Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work