she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
