I can feel you judging me through the phone.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
