I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
