I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
