Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
