ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
