too bad you live with your parents still
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
